Last night was such a surreal night. I rarely get a chance to watch a livestream of David's concerts. Something always comes up. This was a rare occasion when everyone else, including hubby, went to bed early, so I had time all to myself. To top it off, my internet didn't crash, not even when a thunderstorm came through. How very fitting now that I think back; the skies were rumbling and crying here in Austin during Silent Night. A foreshadowing of things to come.
My initial feelings as I listened to David say those words were "NO, NO, NO. I can't make it through a day without him." How extremely selfish could I be. It has taken me a few hours to completely come to my senses about this.
David has more courage in his pinkie finger than I have ever had in my entire 54 yr old body. I would not be able to make this decision he has. I profess that I am a Christian, but I pale in comparison when it comes to putting myself out there for the world to see my faith. I am going to take this extraordinary example this incredible young man has shown us and try to follow it. If I could even make one one-millionth of a percent of the impact on this world that this young man has made and will make, I will count my life a success.
Little did I know when I wrote my latest post about David and mentioned twelve things he has taught me this year, the greatest teaching was yet to come. I plan to keep my blog up, as I also WAIT for the day this Man whose Voice and Heart are gifts from God returns to us mere mortals. David never intended to become an Idol when he appeared on our TVs. He merely followed the promptings of the Only One who should actually be our Idol, the Lord.
Thank you David for being you.
A couple days later, after I had time to process this all a little more, I commented on the Golden Archies board:
Good morning all. Yes, I said GOOD MORNING. And it is good. We are alive. David is alive. The world is still turning as always. Yes, changes are in the works. Change is always happening, it is inevitable. We can't stop it. We just have to embrace it and go on.
As you can tell, I have now had time to deal with all of the unexpectedness of Monday night. Initially, I was stunned, floored, shocked, numbed, saddened, and sickened. Then, as I processed it all yesterday, I was moved, stirred, enlightened, comforted, and reassured. This morning my life is so much better than it was yesterday.
I'll warn you now, this might take some time to explain. A lot has happened in my life this year that has not been positive. My family has struggled with much including too many household things breaking to mention including two vehicles, health issues, teenage daughter leaving home, teenage son (who has always been the smart one, the perfect one - Eagle scout personified) screwing up majorly - multiple times, and money struggles galore. Just last week I told my family that I will be so glad when 2011 is over and we can try it all again, to see if it can get better.
Through all of these struggles, David's power over me through his music and spirit and his life example has been my saving grace. The friendships I have forged with other David fans have become priceless to me as you all have become my sounding board. Thank you all for your prayers at the times when I didn't know what else to do. My abilities to express myself more eloquently have grown by leaps and bounds since I have been writing for my blog about David, and now writing a novel and multiple short stories. I truly believe that I have found my voice and my passion that I was always confused over.
When I first "meet" David, I was in a very dark place in my life. My mother had recently died, my daughter was very, very sick, I was very sick, my marriage was in big trouble. David brought hope and happiness back into my life. Over these 4 years, he has always been there to save me. As I listened to him say those words Monday night, my heart stopped. How could he do this to me? Me, his devoted follower who needs him so much. I need him, not some person on the other side of the world who doesn't have a clue who he is.
WOW. I don't think God was particularly happy with me at that moment. This young man is temporarily giving up everything in his life and handing his life over to God and all I could think about is me. I feel so greedy and guilty and disgusted with myself now. This would not make David happy either.
David has taught me so much with his songs, his words, his examples of how to live your life. As I thought about all of this yesterday, I suddenly had an epiphany. This is going to be another way of helping me deal with my own life situation; giving up something I don't want to give up. Letting go, even temporarily, of something I love.
I have always felt, like many of you, that David is like a son to me. I have that motherly protection thing going on here. Well, mom needs to let the baby fly at some point and that point is now. I think letting go of David, not good bye but spread your wings and fly, is good for me as I will be letting my own son fly in a matter of months. He will be joining the Navy after graduation and following his own “mission.” God is preparing me for this. It will hurt, but I can make it through this hurt, knowing he is doing what God has told him to do. Brandon has prayed about this and put much thought into it, and it is what he has been told to do. I have prayed about it and I feel it is what God wants. No, it is not the “safe” choice that a parent would want their child to make. Stay at home, attend college here. That’s what the mom wants. Safety. I’m sure Lupe would be content knowing that David was safely hanging out in LA or SLC writing music, and traveling sometimes to sing for people, but is this the best thing to do with his life right now. Does it please God or just her? Will he grow as a man by doing the simple and safe thing? Maybe, but not necessarily? Sure, Brandon can receive an awesome “education” by attending the University of Texas, but will he learn to be a Godly Man just hanging out in the same place, with the same people?
I am in a much better place now about my own son’s choices as I have considered David’s life choices. I will be here with open arms the minute both of them return home from their “Missions.”
But now, after viewing a simple video of one of the most beautiful, simple songs I have ever heard, sung at the VIP of the last My Kind Of Christmas tour stop, the one right after David's announcement, my heart has been set completely right. I no longer wonder why David felt the need to do his LDS mission. David's entire life is this song. So, please watch this video of the most extraordinary singer and human being I know of, singing what David tells us is a Primary (Kids) Song of the LDS church, I'm Trying to be Like Jesus. See if you don't agree with me on this: If the entire world would take the time to listen to the message of this song, sung by this man, we could have instant peace.
video by 8throwcenter
So, once again this young man has taught me something. He has shown me what unconditional faith and love look like, for it is absolutely impossible to listen to this performance and not feel the presence of the Holy Spirit flowing from him and into you. He makes you understand what it feels like to know Jesus personally, as he does, on a first name basis. He shows you just how wonderful life can be - with Jesus in your heart.